John Bell – a cautionary tale (RUDE)

posted in: Health, Poetry 0

This is a poem I wrote in 1998 for a work colleague.  I’ve changed the name so as to avoid embarrassing him, but it rhymed with John Bell.  Anyway – he knows who he is.  Warning – there are some rude words in here so proceed with care.


John Bell

(a cautionary tale) 


There was a young man called John Bell

Whose arse made a terrible smell.

He went to the nurse

Who said “It’s a curse!”

And into a coma she fell.


He went off to visit the doc’s

Who instantly diagnosed pox,

Then gave him a pill

And a medical bill

And a large pair of odour-proof jocks.


But John was satisfied not –

He developed a pain in his bot.

He called A&E


And hospitalwards he did trot.


The surgeon decided to come

To have a close look at John’s bum.

She covered her nose

With a delicate rose

But the stench struck her both deaf and dumb.


So all she could do, she could see,

Was a painful colonoscopy.

She inserted her tool

But a lingering stool

Prevented the view being free.


The surgeon decided to clear

The debris from inside John’s rear

By inserting a bomb

And then running from

The room, in evident fear.


But oh! – what a tragic event.

The whole place asunder was rent.

With a terrible roar

John’s arse was no more.

In spite of the surgeon’s intent.


The lesson to learn from John’s fate

Is – seek help at the earliest date

If unusual gas

Comes out of your ass.

If not – it will be too late!

Follow Matt:
Dad of girls, lover of music, frustrated sportsman, musician, writer. I like to think I'm pretty hip, but my kids disagree. I have had two hip replacements though!
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